I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is Oprah even human
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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