I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
