My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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