dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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