My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
