Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
