I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
