I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
