I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
