I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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