I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
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Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
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Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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