ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Let's get the cat blown out
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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