I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
