i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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