There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Randomize
