Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
