The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
