there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize