how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
