She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
