Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is the high leading the old right now
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
