you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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