Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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Can I color on your dick again?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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