This girl is more easily done than said...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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