I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
