my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
