don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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