when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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