I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
