i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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