true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
