currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
