If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
