God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
