i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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