I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
