I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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