I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
