Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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