God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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