They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
