sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
