literally had 100 drinks last night.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
