I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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