dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
