Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
