i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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