I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
