forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
