Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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