babies were throwing up all over the place
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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