Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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