Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
