i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
